Dad’s House
Posted: May 2, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »I’m sitting in the room that my dad dedicates to me, in each house he lives in. It contains my bed from adolescence, miscellaneous furniture and other ‘stuff’. It also holds my hundreds of novels, which he is kind enough to store for me.
I’m sitting here, looking at one shelf-full in particular, and it contains a mass collection of fictional novels.
Now these span all genres, but they’re all fictional. Fantasies or faux realities of authors that use writing to facilitate their escapism. Some good, some great and some ordinary.
There came a time (I can’t remember when) where I picked up a biography. It was a political biography, Obama – The Audacity of Hope. Then another later, about a musician (Eric Clapton). Then comedian-cum-actor Russell Brand, Ellen, Tony Abbott, Rupert Murdoch. Most recently I began reading ‘Too Big To Fail’ (which is BRILLIANT btw).
Also, I’ve noticed some classics slipping in there, Huck Finn, Dorian Gray, Nineteen Eighty-Four, I even recently reread Lord of the Flies.
I’m not sure what this means, really. But it feels like a drastic change from novels that bordered on the fantastical, and sometimes trashy, to what I’ve been digesting recently. It feels like a huge shift, but I don’t know why. I used to hate biographies and non-fictional pieces. I judged the pompous assholes that read them, now look at me- I can quote Andrew Sorkin and David McKnight!
That thing, the anxiety from yesterday; a very close friend ended her relationship of four years. She phoned late in the evening to tell me. Not quite as dramatic as I had anticipated, but very sad nonetheless.
Change is as inevitable as it is inexplicable, mon ami.
Stranger and Stranger
Posted: May 1, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »I feel sick. Super anxious. It’s only 11, and I’ve thrown up twice. My apple and my ginger soup [which I made specifically to combat the flu that I feel coming on].
Sometimes this happens, I get this horrible feeling down to my core, and I have no hard proof that this is my intuition but I believe it must be. The times when I’ve felt this ill in the past, some terrible ill has befallen a person or people that I love. That’s enough proof for me that my fear is valid.
B’s mum got diagnosed with cancer.
Pedro died.
Half an hour before I got the phone call that my aunt had passed away, I woke up in the middle of the night, clutching my stomach in absolute agony. The call came through at about 3am “Please get on the next available flight.”
Oh, by the way, your dad has double pneumonia and a pneumothorax – he may well not make it through the weekend.
I must sound so very dramatic right now, but if you understood as I do. Something horrible is about to happen to someone, and I can’t do a thing about it. It’s a sickening feeling, that much is true.
Well Sheiit. What Can I Say, Really?
Posted: April 19, 2012 Filed under: General Thoughts Leave a comment »They’re just playing this incredibly sad music at work, and I’m listening to even sadder music.
I whined at first, about this coming trip to Adelaide for work, but in reality, I’m pretty excited. I enjoy work travel, especially when it’s for conferences and not courses. It feeds into my self-important nature.
I called my mother about this trip, and asked her if she thought I ought to buy a dress for the cocktail dinner party that is on one of the evenings. I said it was for networking etc…
“Well no, definitely don’t buy a dress. Just dress up something you already have, like the one you got for the races or something. But why do you want to go to this cocktail party anyway? Networking is only good value if you plan on staying in that sector, but not if it’s just a really good job for right now, to pass the time while you figure out what you’re going to do with your life.”
Sometimes I don’t know where her head is, or why she feels compelled to say things like that. I know she’s not trying to be nasty, or make me reconsider my entire life- but she has that exact effect on me. Now I’m sitting here, considering and reconsidering everything.
Worse yet, all the important people in my life are experiencing catalyst moments in their lives. Moments that will make or break them, that will build them up and push them into the next phase, or tear them the fuck down, and effectively make them regress to lesser developed versions of themselves. And I’m just sitting in the margin, watching the straight lines turn into zigzags and circles.
Sometimes I think about running away, I mean really running away. Cutting out on everyone and everything. Leaving everything as it is, and just leaving. I wouldn’t, because I’m too polite, and I couldn’t just leave a big mess for everyone else to clean up… but honestly, I think about it… getting in my car sometimes, I consider what would happen if I just kept driving. Arrive at the airport, book a blind overseas flight, and don’t look back. Clothes on my back, some cash… leave all the rest of that shit in my car, phone, cards.
Just breathe. Just breathe…
Plan it out
Posted: April 15, 2012 Filed under: General Thoughts Leave a comment »In front of me, I have list upon list. I think I just successfully planned out each day of the week. Every fraction of time is accounted for.
I’m going to laminate them, and keep them. They’re hand written. Very little of my stuff is ever hand written. It’ll obviously be worth a mint in the future. “Her Schedule”
My house mate would like to do gym sessions with me in the afternoon. She’s not a ‘morning person’. But I’ve already committed to gym sessions in the morning with my work mate, whom IS a morning person. I feel like this means a lot of extra work for moi. That’s okay, I’m sure I can handle it.
By the bye, I recently stole a skipping rope from my uncle Eric. It’s the kind a boxer would use. Did you know that five minutes of skipping equates to TWENTY minutes of running? That’s pretty exciting, and it brings new meaning to interval training.
This blog is obviously about sweet f/a. I just can’t seem to get to sleep, and it’s a school night. I’ll be tired tomorrow though, don’t you worry.
Wow, Swagger. Neat Changes.
Posted: April 10, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »People change, Sio. And love doesn’t cater to all of those changes.
I’m an oddly private person. There’s a lot that would speak to the contrary about this statement, but those things are in place because I don’t want to seem that way.
For instance, I use certain Social Networks [like Twitter], on which I sometimes give way too much information about where I am, and exactly what I am doing. It seems sporadic and random to the reader, but if you knew me, or understood my mind set- everything I do is well planned and just as well executed. I seem impatient, to an onlooker, but in fact, I could literally lay in wait for hours, days, weeks… months, till the exact right moment. I digress.
Being private, not putting all my eggs in the one basket… it’s just a defence mechanism. It’s what I do, to keep myself safe. There are so many elements of me. If one person held them all, and then that relationship crumbled, I could see myself losing every piece of me. So I invest small but sizable amounts in each individual, that I deem fit. I try to make those small amounts maintain all attributes of my personality in a limited way, but it will tend to focus on one facet of me.
I’m a bleeding heart; a humanitarian. However, many people would refute that, and say something along the lines of “She’s a bigot and a racist! Just like me.” – because many times I will just go along with the general consensus. Not in the least of which is due to the fact that, for many people, I can’t be bothered arguing the point or explaining my very legitimate reasoning. In my spare time, when I am sure no one is looking, I donate, I volunteer and I offer my extensive services to those that seek it.
I have strong and well educated political beliefs. Worse yet, I have extremely prominent political aspirations [which, inevitably accounts for a lot of my privacy / secrecy, for fear of future retribution, should I succeed with these dreams].
I would like to pass myself off as a libertarian, but in actual fact I do have many conservative ‘family first’ ideals. I hold a very traditional definition of ‘family’ and family views, in my head. For instance, I do not believe in divorce. I think people ought not to make such massive life decisions [as with marriage], when there is a foreseen or unforeseen chance of irreconcilable differences in the future. That’s called ‘not doing your research thoroughly,’ in my opinion. I don’t hold this standard up against others, however- I would only hold it against myself.
However unorthodox and juxtaposed to all that I have just said, I should also note that I am 150% pro-choice and a massive homosexual advocate. I’m pro civil union, but anti gay marriage. I should explain this further- I’m not anti GAY marriage, but I am anti marriage wherein a person is not religious. As most homosexuals find they were persecuted by religion, and therefore, do not adhere, I see no reason that a marriage should be the case. It is not that they are gay, but that marriage in itself is still a religious rite of passage, and I think it is heresy for non-religious types to participate in an extremely religious act. It is traditionally the union of oneself and another, in the eyes of God- and all that jazz. Don’t believe in God? That’s fine, but you ought to go have a civil union as well.
In a perfect world, I think matters of the state and church should not mix. I think the Church should not alter matters of State, nor the State alter matters of the Church. If we were to focus on marriage specifically, in my perfect world… only people of religion would be allowed to ‘marry’, then to make that legally recognised by the State, all people would then need to proceed to the nearest court house and participate in a Civil Union. Anyone however, could participate in a Civil Union though, with or without the marriage part. Hetero or not.
It’s funny, these aren’t even the very depths of my personality, but these are still parts of myself that I separate up and share around. Imagine all the deeper things that I haven’t brushed over here, that I fracture and gift to different individuals.
I guess the idea behind it is this: if you leave me, you’ll only ever take a small piece of me with you, and I’ll still be safe.
Irritating People
Posted: March 25, 2012 Filed under: General Thoughts, Musings, Stupid People = Stupid Questions Comments OffIt is apparently very difficult for some people in my life, to grasp that I am happy. It is even harder still, for those people to pinpoint where/what the unhappiness might stem from.
Off the top of my head though, I can list a few things that fall in line first.
1. I’m not content with my living arrangements, but I have to wait it out.
2. I’m not content with the level at which I save, but I have to get a real handle on my spending habits.
3. I need to pick something to study, and lock it in, and follow through. I need those quals.
The above examples are three things that really, really frustrate me at present. That disturb the otherwise nice, calm, peaceful order in my life. Do you know what didn’t feature in the list of examples? MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Do you know WHY it didn’t feature? Because it is not now, nor has it ever been, cause for concern to me.
I judge, in a horrible and mean manner, those people that need to be in a partnership/relationship to validate their existence. I judge the fuck out of those people. But I reserve those nasty comments, because that’s the polite thing to do in that situation. Just as you ought to show me the same respect, because your idea of happiness is my idea of settling for the purgatory version of happiness.
Hello Hey Joe, Wanna Give It A Go?
Posted: February 27, 2012 Filed under: General Thoughts, Work Stuff Comments OffIt’s fair to say that this is about work. You won’t get the reference, and that lets me maintain some anonymity.
Things are going very well, job-wise. Before taking on this new job, I had a few naysayers in my life [I won't name names- because you know who you are] who decided it would be appropriate to make me seriously question, what has panned out to be the best decision of my adult life, to date. It’s good though, because I suppose that is what good friends are for. They make us stop, and they make us think a bit harder than we would have, without a guiding compass for important decision-making.
My boss recently [in fact, the afternoon before my birthday] gave me a promotion / pay rise. Well to be specific, he explained that he was giving me a pay rise, followed by an explanation of where my career was headed within the organisation. It was very faith-affirming to hear my worth laid out to me, in such a manner. I had a sneaking suspicion that this was where his hopes for me were headed, from the girl who sat in my role prior to me. However, to actually hear it out loud, definitely was an ego boost if ever there was one.
I knew, from the very beginning of this year, that it was going to be a fantastic year. It’s already managed to be very trying, in certain aspects, which I think I’ve handled splendidly, but still fantastic over all. The minor hiccoughs I have experienced so far, have been the kind that will inevitably go away, and some to an extent, have a legitimate expiration date. Thank God. Everything can’t be perfect… this I know, but it’s simply a pity, because I’m so used to having a flawless life. [That was sarcasm, I'm sorry if my tone didn't transcend the layers of text.]
I’m embarking on what is potentially the most pivotal part of my adult life, pre-30. I’m excited, and I fully intend to let this run its full course. My boss keeps hinting at the possibility, that like those before me, I will be swept up in a love-induced whirlwind of emotions, and leave this place, and more importantly, this job. I can’t seem to express to him how unlikely that is, and above that, how absurd the notion of it is, to me. I’m sure there is enough on here [on this wordpress] to allude to my being a sanctimonious arsehole, but beyond that, a loveless, unromantic, perfection-seeking, self-serving, pompous, arrogant… so-and-so.
The only real validation I seek [sad as this may be, to put pen to paper and admit to], is my own. The only appraisal I rely on, is my own. Nobody could love me, as much as I love me. I’m honestly that conceited. I’m also… a lot happier than everyone else I know, so it stands to reason that I’m on to something, and furthermore, that I will stay here, and I will surpass all expectations.
Again, and again, and again.
Lost In Translation
Posted: February 15, 2012 Filed under: General Thoughts, Musings | Tags: Choir Boys, Lepers, Leprosy, Liar (it takes one to know one), Moral Compass, Questionable Acts 2 Comments »At the moment my friends are all going around the twist a bit. It’s almost surreal, and I normally wouldn’t discuss them in this medium, but they’re all tumbling around in my mind. All the time, of late.
1. A friend of mine is maintaining an affair. With the best friend of the partner. [This blows my mind, THE MOST.] It’s a full-blown physical and emotional affair, that will inevitably only end in tears. For everyone.
2. A friend of mine has unexpectedly and without forethought, fallen pregnant. There is absolute intent to carry to full term. This friend then moved out with the baby-daddy. [Juno quote: I'm ill-equipped, dude.]
3. A friend of mine is SECRETLY sleeping with their best friend’s sibling. It’s a secret physical affair.
4. A friend of mine is SECRETLY sleeping with a co-worker. [Seems harmless, it gets better.] A married-but-recently-separated co-worker… with, you guessed it- progeny. By that, I mean more than one offspring. In a small town. Smaller, possibly, than MY teeny tiny town.
If you were expecting a number .5, shame on you. Aren’t those four enough? Me – what am I doing? Bad things, also. Not really, I’m boring. Disgustingly boring. Which is fine, I’m happy with boring.
I went to Mass on Sunday gone. I didn’t pray for them, before you ask – it’s obviously too late for them. I prayed pretty damn hard though, and I don’t really know if it did any good. Although my crucifix has stopped trying to strangle me at night. I’ll tell you quickly what the day’s gospel was about:
It was regarding leprosy, but the biblical definition of it – not the disease [see: Hansen's Disease] known of in the modern world. It was about being unclean, and how a part of pleasing God includes being clean of mind and body. The punishment that they be shunned by society, in those days within that type of community, was not due to their infectiousness. The reason they had to distance themselves, and yell out “UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN”, was because excommunication from the community in that day and age, was worse than death. It meant you were cut off [but able to see, so to speak] your family and friends, but you could not acknowledge them, and they you. For fear of offending God and in turn becoming unclean themselves, the ‘clean’ adhered. You were already damned, so it was in your best interest not to take them down with you. Being cut off and outcast from society generally killed you before anything else.
Lepers did not die of leprosy. They died of loneliness.
So maybe, as unashamedly selfish as 1., 2., 3. and 4. have presented – maybe they’re just trying to avoid it. That thing we’re all ultimately afraid of; loneliness. In a very mortal sense, it could kill us. However, how many immoral transgressions does one experience, before they are too corrupt to appreciate their mortality any more?
A Mother Like Mine
Posted: November 3, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized 1 Comment »If you’re lucky enough to be like me, you probably grew up with a mother that constantly reiterated certain life-phrases and proverbs. Now nothing good ever preceded or followed most of these phrases.
Example: “All that glitters, is not Gold.”
I’m recently reminded of this, as I look around at my family home of … four years, and my family home city of eight years. I love this house, and I love this city. I believe I will love it till my last dying breath, as just about every great memory I have, was made in this place. This city holds my best and my harshest memories, and for each ‘first’ I accomplished here, the instances that eclipsed them, were also made here.
Is Brisbane Gold, or does it just glitter. That is the question. Or maybe the question is a touch more philosophical, and maybe I won’t reach a conclusive and satisfying answer.
It is immensely sad to know that I am walking away from this place, for the last time. Sure I’ll come back, and I’ll holiday, but my family home goes up in six weeks, and so this is my last stop here, with a home that holds a room that holds part of my life and many of my cherished memories.
Brisbane, you are Gold- and not because you glitter, but because you tie together all that glitters for this chapter of my life. My adolescence passed before my years could really prove it, but tonight it fades slowly out stage left.
Goodnight Brisbane. For every piece of my soul that you’ve captured, may you keep me infamous and immortal.
